Well here it is, Dec/31st, 2012. The day before the official beginning of no more excuses! As my last fattening meal I will have having Chinese food for dinner tonight. It's a tradition, well at least for the last 4 years it has been. lol. I looked into purchasing a Polar T7 and I think from everything I have read and heard about it, it's a great tool to use. So most likely on Saturday I will head out in search of one of these things.
I also heard about Isogentics, thought I'd try that to help move me along. Unfortunately, I can't afford to try it at this point in time. So, it's gonna have to be hard work on my part! lol.
Well since it's the Eve of the beginning, how about I made some goals for 2013. My first goal will be a baby step: To lose 10 pounds by the end of January!
Goal 2: To work out every day
Goal 3: To find new employment (or transfer out)
Goal 4: To go away in February at least 20 pounds lighter.
Goal 5: Here's the big one, to have lost 80 pounds by the end of 2014.
I will end for now and of course be back tomorrow for the Offical Start! Happy New Year everyone!
"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called "Opportunity" and its first chapter is New Year's Day."
~~~Edith Lovejoy Pierce~~~
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Day one getting closer
So January 1st is coming closer, and yet I don't feel to be in that 'zone' like I was last year. I feel tired, fed up, sick, ashamed that I am starting over again. Every feeling one could have I am going through. Did I mention in my first post how I embarass both my daughters. I know they are disappointed in me, they will try to change my food choices by saying "Mom do you really need that?" I know they aren't trying to be cruel, they want me to be healthy. They also know about my sugar being elevated, my blood pressure being high, cholestoral *sp* also being high. They know all about these health issues and yet I still let them down. I let me down! Maybe I need to talk to my shrink about this stuff, I've already told him that I basically hate myself. What more do i have to say that would show that I need more help.
I don't think someone should have to wake up sad, live their day in a sad state and go to bed sad. There has to be more out there. I didn't mention earlier that I had Cancer. 15 yrs ago or so I had AML Acute Myloid Lukemia. I'm good now, and feel blessed to be still here. I also am confused as to why this is? Why I'm here and other's aren't. I live in constant fear that my Cancer or another type will come back. It's the first thing in my mind in the morning and the last before I fall asleep. It's been a very conflicting 15 years or so. Do you know how tiring it is to be happy about being alive, but also living in constant fear. I know, you guys are probably saying, I am the half full type of person, I 'm not, your probably saying "get over it already" and believe me there is nothing I'd like more then to 'get over it' Unfortunately, it's not that simple. I know that any person who has had cancer is living with this same fear, for some it's something they can deal with, for others like myself it has crippled them.
Maybe I have too many issues to deal with and try to lose weight. Maybe I have to fight more to find the right help Ineed. I hate taking medication to make me 'happy' Medication I might add that doesn't really do that. Maybe what I need is to try to move on and not look back.............oh wait I've tried that. Hasn't worked yet.
I think that I have to live the shame I went through in Windsor to give me that kick in the pants. I mean really wake me up. Maybe not, I mean when your doctor tells you that you need to lose weight otherwise you may not be here in much longer, it should strike fear in you right? It doesn't, What make me cringe is have my beautiful daughter's think of me a failure. That alone should be the kick in the ass that I need. My mind set is going there on January 1st!!!! Come hell or high water. I need to lose weight for many reasons. My health is one, my mental health is a priority as well, but the love of my daughter's and how they look at me is the main purpose. I want them proud of their mother. I want to be finally proud of me.
I haven't spoken about my husband as of yet, but I will now. He's a really super guy. He loves me , even though I don't deserve to be loved. When I was sick he was there every night, worrying by my bedside. Afterwards though, he pulled back it seemed to me. We are still together after 20 plus years, but I want more from this. I've always wanted a man who looked at me and you could see the deep love he has for you in his eyes. I don't have that right now. I think he's disgusted in me as well, he doesn't say anything about my weight. I mean he will say now and again that I should try to lose weight. When I do, like last summer, there is no encouragement, there doesn't seem to be any pride in the fact that I have lost weight. All I seem to get is "that's nice, but you have more to lose' I know that I look to him for approval of what I do, and when I do succeed I don't feel that I have because his approval isn't there. I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because he is a good guy, he just doesn't know how to express himself. He sometimes talks and I look at him and wonder WFT are saying? Maybe it's his how he was brought up, maybe it's just him and a skill he lacks, I don't know. But it makes me very unhappy, uptight, I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope with him, He never seems happy and in my mind I make that my fault. Maybe I have to stop making it my fault and start living for me. So that is another goal in my list for 2013. To live for me, while trying to strike a balance to make my husband happy. Now that is one goal that if accomplished lol I should win a gold medal for lol.
Ok so maybe writting this blog will help me, I feel better putting my feelings and thoughts down on 'paper' so to speak. I will work on my affirmation list. What's that you may ask? Well, I am going to make a list of the top five things I want to accomplish in the first 6 month of the new year. And I will succeed in doing so.
Affirmation number 1
Make a Affirmation list!
For now I have to take off and shower and take the dog out for his walk. Exercise is on that list as well!
Hope everyone has a great Sunday!
I don't think someone should have to wake up sad, live their day in a sad state and go to bed sad. There has to be more out there. I didn't mention earlier that I had Cancer. 15 yrs ago or so I had AML Acute Myloid Lukemia. I'm good now, and feel blessed to be still here. I also am confused as to why this is? Why I'm here and other's aren't. I live in constant fear that my Cancer or another type will come back. It's the first thing in my mind in the morning and the last before I fall asleep. It's been a very conflicting 15 years or so. Do you know how tiring it is to be happy about being alive, but also living in constant fear. I know, you guys are probably saying, I am the half full type of person, I 'm not, your probably saying "get over it already" and believe me there is nothing I'd like more then to 'get over it' Unfortunately, it's not that simple. I know that any person who has had cancer is living with this same fear, for some it's something they can deal with, for others like myself it has crippled them.
Maybe I have too many issues to deal with and try to lose weight. Maybe I have to fight more to find the right help Ineed. I hate taking medication to make me 'happy' Medication I might add that doesn't really do that. Maybe what I need is to try to move on and not look back.............oh wait I've tried that. Hasn't worked yet.
I think that I have to live the shame I went through in Windsor to give me that kick in the pants. I mean really wake me up. Maybe not, I mean when your doctor tells you that you need to lose weight otherwise you may not be here in much longer, it should strike fear in you right? It doesn't, What make me cringe is have my beautiful daughter's think of me a failure. That alone should be the kick in the ass that I need. My mind set is going there on January 1st!!!! Come hell or high water. I need to lose weight for many reasons. My health is one, my mental health is a priority as well, but the love of my daughter's and how they look at me is the main purpose. I want them proud of their mother. I want to be finally proud of me.
I haven't spoken about my husband as of yet, but I will now. He's a really super guy. He loves me , even though I don't deserve to be loved. When I was sick he was there every night, worrying by my bedside. Afterwards though, he pulled back it seemed to me. We are still together after 20 plus years, but I want more from this. I've always wanted a man who looked at me and you could see the deep love he has for you in his eyes. I don't have that right now. I think he's disgusted in me as well, he doesn't say anything about my weight. I mean he will say now and again that I should try to lose weight. When I do, like last summer, there is no encouragement, there doesn't seem to be any pride in the fact that I have lost weight. All I seem to get is "that's nice, but you have more to lose' I know that I look to him for approval of what I do, and when I do succeed I don't feel that I have because his approval isn't there. I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because he is a good guy, he just doesn't know how to express himself. He sometimes talks and I look at him and wonder WFT are saying? Maybe it's his how he was brought up, maybe it's just him and a skill he lacks, I don't know. But it makes me very unhappy, uptight, I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope with him, He never seems happy and in my mind I make that my fault. Maybe I have to stop making it my fault and start living for me. So that is another goal in my list for 2013. To live for me, while trying to strike a balance to make my husband happy. Now that is one goal that if accomplished lol I should win a gold medal for lol.
Ok so maybe writting this blog will help me, I feel better putting my feelings and thoughts down on 'paper' so to speak. I will work on my affirmation list. What's that you may ask? Well, I am going to make a list of the top five things I want to accomplish in the first 6 month of the new year. And I will succeed in doing so.
Affirmation number 1
Make a Affirmation list!
For now I have to take off and shower and take the dog out for his walk. Exercise is on that list as well!
Hope everyone has a great Sunday!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Starting again!
Well, my title may give it away. I will be starting to lose weight AGAIN! Yes, I like many others start out to lose weight, some do, some don't, but either way they fall off that wagon! This time last year I was down 50 pounds! What makes someone who was soooooo damn close the being in the 100's for the first time in 20 years fall off? Let me give you some background first as to what finally motivated me enough to lose that much weight.
My youngest was looking at Universities, we travelled to Windsor, Ontario to check out the University there. Since it's 4 hours away we stayed overnight. We arrived, had a nice dinner, then headed back to the hotel for the night. We got up early and headed to the University for a tour. There is alot of walking involved, but hey that was ok by me.
When we went to one of the dorms for a tour, we were met by a young man who asked a group of us (probably 10 people or so) if they wouldn't mind taking the stairs to go view the dorm rooms. Well, I didn't say anything, because really I didn't want to take the stairs when there were perfectly good elevators there! My vote didn't count because of course everyone said YES! This young man then says, ok so we are bound for the 8th FLOOR!!!! What!!!! Are you kidding me????? Then to my dismay, the door for the stairs was right behind, you guessed it! ME!!!! Holy crap! What does one do in this situation? Well, you can hold the door open and hope everyone goes before you, or you can not think that fast on your feet and take the damn stairs, leading the pack. So here I go all 249 pounds, bounding up those stairs at a record speed, so that I don't embarass my daughter by being so slow that everyone passes me and smirks at the fat lady! Unfortunately, somewhere at the 4 floor, my mind was saying go go go but my body said, THAT'S IT! I slowed down and allowed others to pass me. Once everyone was at least a floor or two ahead of me, I had to stop. I couldn't breathe!! I've never experienced that, so I stopped for a few minutes, drank some water. At this point everyone was already touring the rooms. I started up again and made it. Once at the top my daughter was there asking if I was ok. Sure I said! Well that was obviously a lie! I started coughing and coughing, to the point of almost puking!
What I tried so hard not to do had been lost as I ended up embarrasing her to the utmost. I went into the bathroom where I tried not to be sick. After sometime, she sent me a text asking me where I was. I walked into the hallway, and there she was. She wasn't a happy camper. Everyone had already gone downstairs, so we took the elevator down. Walked outside and sat down for a minute. My daughter then said that she wanted to leave. I asked her if it was because of my almost dying a few minutes earlier. She didn't respond, I know she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she had. Most of all, I had hurt myself. I started to cry and told her I was so sorry, I had tried so hard not to embarass her but in end I had.. She just said that I had to try to lose some weight, not for her but for myself. This was the FIRST TIME either of my beautiful daughter's had said these words to me. I convinced her I was ok to continue on and then I promised her that I would work to lose the weight.
Well upon returning home, I joined WW and it was working, I walked everyday, watched everything I ate and the weight was coming off. I got down to 212 pounds!!!!! That was up in Feb of 2012 well, the weight loss was then the tour was in October of 2011. The downfall, came in Feb, when we went to Florida on vacation. I had the stupid mentality of "I'm on vacation! I can eat what I want!" Well that isn't true! I fell off that wagon, and upon returning home the wagon ended up on top of me. I haven't been able to crawl out from under it yet and we are now as I write this then end of December 2012.
I've been dealing with depression, self loathing, health issues but I'm not going to use these as excuses. I let my daughter's, my husband but most importantly myself down. I have decided that 2013 is a good year to start fresh. I will start again, but this time I hope that I continue and not let myself down. I hope to start to love myself, because really how can you succeed if you don't? I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with, and I think that is because I am so NOT happy with myself. I don't dress how I want to dress because nothing fits! I really want to have a breast lift, but until I've lost weight really it's not worth wasting my money on. Then I think, really do you have 6000 in funds for that? NO! but I've decided that I don't care. I will lose the weight I need to lose, at least 130 pounds, then my ultimate gift to myself will be to have that operation. Once I do, I know that I will have succeeded. Instead of being this overweight, droopy saggy boobed bitch I will be a happy, healthy, perky boobed hottie! lol
I guess this is the start of a relationship with myself as well as you fellow readers. I want to thank you now for taking the time to read my blog, and I welcome whatever comments you wish to make, be it bad or good.
Thanks and Happy New Year! May 2013 be a great year for everyone!
My youngest was looking at Universities, we travelled to Windsor, Ontario to check out the University there. Since it's 4 hours away we stayed overnight. We arrived, had a nice dinner, then headed back to the hotel for the night. We got up early and headed to the University for a tour. There is alot of walking involved, but hey that was ok by me.
When we went to one of the dorms for a tour, we were met by a young man who asked a group of us (probably 10 people or so) if they wouldn't mind taking the stairs to go view the dorm rooms. Well, I didn't say anything, because really I didn't want to take the stairs when there were perfectly good elevators there! My vote didn't count because of course everyone said YES! This young man then says, ok so we are bound for the 8th FLOOR!!!! What!!!! Are you kidding me????? Then to my dismay, the door for the stairs was right behind, you guessed it! ME!!!! Holy crap! What does one do in this situation? Well, you can hold the door open and hope everyone goes before you, or you can not think that fast on your feet and take the damn stairs, leading the pack. So here I go all 249 pounds, bounding up those stairs at a record speed, so that I don't embarass my daughter by being so slow that everyone passes me and smirks at the fat lady! Unfortunately, somewhere at the 4 floor, my mind was saying go go go but my body said, THAT'S IT! I slowed down and allowed others to pass me. Once everyone was at least a floor or two ahead of me, I had to stop. I couldn't breathe!! I've never experienced that, so I stopped for a few minutes, drank some water. At this point everyone was already touring the rooms. I started up again and made it. Once at the top my daughter was there asking if I was ok. Sure I said! Well that was obviously a lie! I started coughing and coughing, to the point of almost puking!
What I tried so hard not to do had been lost as I ended up embarrasing her to the utmost. I went into the bathroom where I tried not to be sick. After sometime, she sent me a text asking me where I was. I walked into the hallway, and there she was. She wasn't a happy camper. Everyone had already gone downstairs, so we took the elevator down. Walked outside and sat down for a minute. My daughter then said that she wanted to leave. I asked her if it was because of my almost dying a few minutes earlier. She didn't respond, I know she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she had. Most of all, I had hurt myself. I started to cry and told her I was so sorry, I had tried so hard not to embarass her but in end I had.. She just said that I had to try to lose some weight, not for her but for myself. This was the FIRST TIME either of my beautiful daughter's had said these words to me. I convinced her I was ok to continue on and then I promised her that I would work to lose the weight.
Well upon returning home, I joined WW and it was working, I walked everyday, watched everything I ate and the weight was coming off. I got down to 212 pounds!!!!! That was up in Feb of 2012 well, the weight loss was then the tour was in October of 2011. The downfall, came in Feb, when we went to Florida on vacation. I had the stupid mentality of "I'm on vacation! I can eat what I want!" Well that isn't true! I fell off that wagon, and upon returning home the wagon ended up on top of me. I haven't been able to crawl out from under it yet and we are now as I write this then end of December 2012.
I've been dealing with depression, self loathing, health issues but I'm not going to use these as excuses. I let my daughter's, my husband but most importantly myself down. I have decided that 2013 is a good year to start fresh. I will start again, but this time I hope that I continue and not let myself down. I hope to start to love myself, because really how can you succeed if you don't? I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with, and I think that is because I am so NOT happy with myself. I don't dress how I want to dress because nothing fits! I really want to have a breast lift, but until I've lost weight really it's not worth wasting my money on. Then I think, really do you have 6000 in funds for that? NO! but I've decided that I don't care. I will lose the weight I need to lose, at least 130 pounds, then my ultimate gift to myself will be to have that operation. Once I do, I know that I will have succeeded. Instead of being this overweight, droopy saggy boobed bitch I will be a happy, healthy, perky boobed hottie! lol
I guess this is the start of a relationship with myself as well as you fellow readers. I want to thank you now for taking the time to read my blog, and I welcome whatever comments you wish to make, be it bad or good.
Thanks and Happy New Year! May 2013 be a great year for everyone!
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