So January 1st is coming closer, and yet I don't feel to be in that 'zone' like I was last year. I feel tired, fed up, sick, ashamed that I am starting over again. Every feeling one could have I am going through. Did I mention in my first post how I embarass both my daughters. I know they are disappointed in me, they will try to change my food choices by saying "Mom do you really need that?" I know they aren't trying to be cruel, they want me to be healthy. They also know about my sugar being elevated, my blood pressure being high, cholestoral *sp* also being high. They know all about these health issues and yet I still let them down. I let me down! Maybe I need to talk to my shrink about this stuff, I've already told him that I basically hate myself. What more do i have to say that would show that I need more help.
I don't think someone should have to wake up sad, live their day in a sad state and go to bed sad. There has to be more out there. I didn't mention earlier that I had Cancer. 15 yrs ago or so I had AML Acute Myloid Lukemia. I'm good now, and feel blessed to be still here. I also am confused as to why this is? Why I'm here and other's aren't. I live in constant fear that my Cancer or another type will come back. It's the first thing in my mind in the morning and the last before I fall asleep. It's been a very conflicting 15 years or so. Do you know how tiring it is to be happy about being alive, but also living in constant fear. I know, you guys are probably saying, I am the half full type of person, I 'm not, your probably saying "get over it already" and believe me there is nothing I'd like more then to 'get over it' Unfortunately, it's not that simple. I know that any person who has had cancer is living with this same fear, for some it's something they can deal with, for others like myself it has crippled them.
Maybe I have too many issues to deal with and try to lose weight. Maybe I have to fight more to find the right help Ineed. I hate taking medication to make me 'happy' Medication I might add that doesn't really do that. Maybe what I need is to try to move on and not look back.............oh wait I've tried that. Hasn't worked yet.
I think that I have to live the shame I went through in Windsor to give me that kick in the pants. I mean really wake me up. Maybe not, I mean when your doctor tells you that you need to lose weight otherwise you may not be here in much longer, it should strike fear in you right? It doesn't, What make me cringe is have my beautiful daughter's think of me a failure. That alone should be the kick in the ass that I need. My mind set is going there on January 1st!!!! Come hell or high water. I need to lose weight for many reasons. My health is one, my mental health is a priority as well, but the love of my daughter's and how they look at me is the main purpose. I want them proud of their mother. I want to be finally proud of me.
I haven't spoken about my husband as of yet, but I will now. He's a really super guy. He loves me , even though I don't deserve to be loved. When I was sick he was there every night, worrying by my bedside. Afterwards though, he pulled back it seemed to me. We are still together after 20 plus years, but I want more from this. I've always wanted a man who looked at me and you could see the deep love he has for you in his eyes. I don't have that right now. I think he's disgusted in me as well, he doesn't say anything about my weight. I mean he will say now and again that I should try to lose weight. When I do, like last summer, there is no encouragement, there doesn't seem to be any pride in the fact that I have lost weight. All I seem to get is "that's nice, but you have more to lose' I know that I look to him for approval of what I do, and when I do succeed I don't feel that I have because his approval isn't there. I don't want to paint him in a bad light, because he is a good guy, he just doesn't know how to express himself. He sometimes talks and I look at him and wonder WFT are saying? Maybe it's his how he was brought up, maybe it's just him and a skill he lacks, I don't know. But it makes me very unhappy, uptight, I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope with him, He never seems happy and in my mind I make that my fault. Maybe I have to stop making it my fault and start living for me. So that is another goal in my list for 2013. To live for me, while trying to strike a balance to make my husband happy. Now that is one goal that if accomplished lol I should win a gold medal for lol.
Ok so maybe writting this blog will help me, I feel better putting my feelings and thoughts down on 'paper' so to speak. I will work on my affirmation list. What's that you may ask? Well, I am going to make a list of the top five things I want to accomplish in the first 6 month of the new year. And I will succeed in doing so.
Affirmation number 1
Make a Affirmation list!
For now I have to take off and shower and take the dog out for his walk. Exercise is on that list as well!
Hope everyone has a great Sunday!
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